i'm feeling jilted. dislocated.

i guess it makes sense, i did just relocate to the northwest. though, i'm having difficulty locating my sense of 'self' now.

how much of me was tied to the 'sense of place' i had built up in Atlanta? how much was tied to support networks that sustained me? my internal geography is reeling. everything new, few things familiar.

i was walking down Killingsworth Street in a North Portland sunset, thinking: 'why am i living-- really, what is it that i am living for?'

i am getting down. the reminders i give myself that 'life is in the discovery' and that 'life is found in subtle affirmations': those truths just aren't holding as strong as they did in my times of relative comfort.

desperately searching for work in a cruel sun-- the threat of homelessless lingers real. i applied for food stamps at the Department of Human Resources today. aiming to put judgment aside, i wonder, 'is this really my situation?' crying children, those with severe drug addictions and those with mental difficulties fill the lobby. all dependents, all on hard times, all in need.

have things really changed all that much from medieval times? i imagine my 1350 AD equivalent in muddy, sewage filled streets. class strata wide apart, class hierarchy all-powerful & all-encompassing; i feel like a serf among other serfs crawling up the sides of a well pit-- stepping on and clawing at others, using my cultural capital to survive.

the system creates this situation. i have little choice-- i must take part in it to 'make it'.

and so i move along.