phase II

tumblr is a winner-- i'm reinventing my online life

but it's beautiful, isn't it?!

i have a difficult time being present.

i always fed myself excuses for why i wasn't present. namely, this one: "it's where you are, harrison- you're not present BECAUSE you do not want to build roots where you are not happy."

but it's not true.

my fetish with public transportation systems led me to this conclusion. here i am in Portland, a city that i've wanted to live in and one that i've been studying for years, but what am i doing? i am reading on the internet about Paris. Seattle. Madrid. NYC. i am reading about these cities and convincing myself that those are places i could be. (maybe even 'should' be). i did the same thing in Atlanta. nothing like a daily dosage of avoidance therapy to help one not face the beautiful realities of their life.

i am dreaming my life away. the best way that i avoid the present is by living in the future. i don't want this for myself. i want NOW for all it is. and i have to be real with myself: now is NOT found in reading about how awesome the Parisian Métropolitain is (for hours on end).

i AM happy where i am and i could have been happier where i was in Atlanta. (i'm not saying that i regret moving, though). i must not fool myself with a location change. i must engage. i must invest. i must thrive. and that takes conscious effort.

here goes.

i'm feeling jilted. dislocated.

i guess it makes sense, i did just relocate to the northwest. though, i'm having difficulty locating my sense of 'self' now.

how much of me was tied to the 'sense of place' i had built up in Atlanta? how much was tied to support networks that sustained me? my internal geography is reeling. everything new, few things familiar.

i was walking down Killingsworth Street in a North Portland sunset, thinking: 'why am i living-- really, what is it that i am living for?'

i am getting down. the reminders i give myself that 'life is in the discovery' and that 'life is found in subtle affirmations': those truths just aren't holding as strong as they did in my times of relative comfort.

desperately searching for work in a cruel sun-- the threat of homelessless lingers real. i applied for food stamps at the Department of Human Resources today. aiming to put judgment aside, i wonder, 'is this really my situation?' crying children, those with severe drug addictions and those with mental difficulties fill the lobby. all dependents, all on hard times, all in need.

have things really changed all that much from medieval times? i imagine my 1350 AD equivalent in muddy, sewage filled streets. class strata wide apart, class hierarchy all-powerful & all-encompassing; i feel like a serf among other serfs crawling up the sides of a well pit-- stepping on and clawing at others, using my cultural capital to survive.

the system creates this situation. i have little choice-- i must take part in it to 'make it'.

and so i move along.

toeing the line. well, some of many

a trim:

the other day, i decided to trim down my facebook connections (again). i got down to around 300, from the original 525. (for some reason though, the number does not stay at 300... it rather fluctuates like body weight). i trim down to have more intentional relationships and a more managable internet life. but whenever i trim down the number of people i have come to know/ meet, i find myself wanting to keep (and sometimes keeping) some connections that i both never talk to and are very different from me ideologically. (what i mean by that: we don't talk and they are very much a part of the heteronormative, christian, and conservative culture that is very white). even though i would rather not have people i have both lost touch with and disagree with as facebook connections, i find myself wanting them to be more exposed to people that are different from them. of which include, a person like me. i want them to see that my opinions exist. that i exist.

on exposure:

but with this certain culture (the christian, heteronormative, conservative culture that is very white) it's not a two way exposure street. i usually don't care for their viewpoints. i know, it sounds snobby, but bear with me. the reason that i often don't care for their viewpoints is because i feel as if i have encountered and lived many aspects of their realities thoroughly, having come from that background. but for them, i feel as if they likely haven't lived many of my experiences or come into contact with many aspects of my reality. so i am caught. caught between wanting to invite them in or shut them out. binary-thinking me wants to cut them out. and binary-thinking me often wins.

on certain internal questions:

i wonder about my friendships with people who are very much a part of the christian, heteronormative, conservative culture that is often very white; am i vicariously clingling to a part of myself through them? if i shut them out too, would i be running from who i was or from parts of myself, rather than coming to terms who i was/ parts of who i still am? where do i find value, growth, and fulfillment? is it here? is it there? how do i stay open and available to all walks of life? (even ones i find offensive?)

on pendulum swing:

now i find myself moving to a more homogenous location, with many other irreligious, leftist white folks. the move out west might be a move for self preservation and it might be what i need now. but i'm uncomfortable because i'm wondering: will i really grow among homogeneity? i can't be truly open if i am cold to an entire culture and those who take part in it. (the christian, conservative, heteronormative, culture that is very white). i feel as if i am increasingly moving to the fringe. it's like a bomb went off during my unraveling process after my childhood development. my body is still moving backward through the air (in a projectile fashion) from the force of the blast. i'm moving away from many things i had come to know and accept to be true in my very white, catholic, heteronormative, conservative upbringing. (and moving away for good reason, i feel).

on openness and vulnerability to those who who hurt you:

i don't know if i can be open and vulnerable with communities that have and continue to hinder my growth in the most direct and personal of ways. while i don't want to be reactionary and i don't want to hermit myself, i want relief. relief from the weight of remaining open to those who hurt me and repeatedly hurt me. i move about the world as if it is the world i want, but it isn't. i move about the world calling people out on their blatant racism, sexism, ethnocentrism, and homophobia eight days a week, and i try to to live a life that addresses those issues (among others). but i'm tired. i'm also discouraged. i am leaving the South and moving somewhere that is known for being more progressive (in ways) in order to possibly feel as if i am swimming against the current a little less.

is that wrong? i wonder if it is wrong. but it comes down to this: if i view myself as an agent of change, i must care for myself. especially if i am to continue moving through the world in this manner.

westward, ho! (but not in the colonialist-manifest destiny sense)

in the past few years, it seems to have become ‘all the craze’ to be a fan of Portland, Oregon. (among some communities). I get it. some good things are happening there. Unfortunately though, the Pacific Northwest often gets painted as a progressive utopia devoid of social inequality. I don’t believe this is true. Like other regions, the Northwestern United States struggles with systemic inequality surrounding ability, race, nation, class and sex, and still has much work to do on the LGBTQIQ front. Regarding issues of social inequality, there is more in common among regions than not, however, it’s important to recognize that every region approaches social inequality from a different historical stance and under different circumstances. I don’t see the purpose in constructing a regional hierarchy.

That said, I feel a strong push to move Northwest. My life is short. I feel as if i have spent enough time in Southern waters to question whether this is the right place for me. I am ready for something different and feel as if the Northwest is a place i might want to call home.

The reasons for my Northwestward migration are as follows:

It’s Beautiful: Oregon is a land of stark contrasts. the environment is jarring in its proportions. snow capped peaks. fertile, green valleys. thick woods full of life. wide rivers. cold, jagged coasts. high desert plains. a crater-like collapsed volcano (with a lake in it!). canyons dubbed with the name ‘Hell’. i’m an outdoorsy person and i love to get out and enjoy nature. i can’t wait to listen to what the environs of Oregon have to teach me.

Sustainability: I feel as if a critical mass of folks in Oregon care about the Earth. I like that. When a critical mass of people care in a democracy, change happens. And in terms of sustainability measures, change is happening in Oregon.

Mobility: One way that i see sustainability being put into action is through the implementation of transit mobility options. In Portland, i’ll be able to move about with ease without having to use a car, and i think that’s great. there are several mobility options:

+ MAX Light Rail: this is a modern rail system that is pretty well integrated into pedestrian life. Unlike MARTA in Atlanta, it is often built into the street (but with right-of-way) and is not high up in the air with sequestered stations. Also unlike MARTA, it runs much more quietly. MAX radiates out into the city with 85 stations and 52.4 miles of track.

+ Portland Streetcar: This is the first modern streetcar to be implemented since WWII. It’s quiet and promotes transit-oriented-development. It’s an easy way to get around the city without a car. It’s celebrating its 10th anniversary in the coming weeks- and will be opening a new line in late 2012. That’s awesome.

+ Bike and Pedestrian: Portland is known for its current and planned investment in bike and pedestrian infrastructure. I like cities with vision- especially when that vision is within reach regarding funding and implementation. I am excited to move to a city where a healthy lifestyle is a priority- and that is a lifestyle that includes safe walking and biking. a city that is walk-able and bike-able is a city for me.

+ Aerial Tram: I guess that’s cool too.

Strong Land-Use Planning: this is important to me. It’s another way that i see sustainability in action. I do not like strip malls, sprawling suburbs and black-tar pavement everywhere. I don’t think it’s life affirming. In Portland, urban planners aim to curb this by offering a different lifestyle—one that is propelled by public transit rather than private transit (also called automobiles). Cars support car-scaled models, not human scaled models. A car-scaled model means parking lots. It means low density. It means pollution, sprawl and the gobble of resources (like forests, farmland and energy resources ~ including oil and coal). Human-scaled development promotes walking and biking. it promotes human-scaled density. It promotes living near where you work, human interaction, residences above shops, public spaces and community. That’s what i want. And that’s what Portland promotes.

A Strong Local, Organic Food Culture: i like fresh food. I like food without pesticides on it. i like knowing my farmer. I like knowing where my food grows. And i like to support my local economy over large corporations. I can get that in Portland. (and i might be able to become a farmer as well!) I’d like to work towards a future of good food available to everyone~ regardless of class status. The wealthy should not be the only ones with access to healthy foods. I can work on that dream in Portland.
Progressive Politics: it will be nice to live in a place that isn’t in total Republican control. it’s frustrating to live in a place where i dislike nearly every measure that is passed in government. it’s also frustrating to live in a place where i am always on the offense. The little bit that people on the left have achieved here in Georgia is often threatened to be taken away and sometimes is taken away through cuts to program funding. It will be nice to live in a place where the general community is making gains rather than live in a place where the general community always anticipates a loss.

Leftist Community: i have a feeling that there might be more critiquers of capitalism in Portland. I can’t help but think of the World Trade Organization Protests of 1999 in Seattle. I hope there are a greater number of people who are critical of methods of globalization and global capitalism as we have it today. I hope to meet people of differing leftist belief, hear their words and grow in my own beliefs.

Strong Folk-Indie Music Scene: One of my favorite music artists, Laura Veirs, calls Portland her home. I would love to see her play in a hometown show! I also like Portlander Laura Gibson and members who have taken part in the Portland Cello Project. I look forward to dancing and great tunes~
Queer-Feminist Community: I have heard that there is a strong, young, and visible queer-feminist community in Portland. The queer-feminist community in Atlanta is also strong and vibrant- i hope to find it in Portland as well. It will be nice to live in a place that has a different reality facing the queer-feminist community regarding law. It will be nice to live in a state where i can adopt a child with a partner (if i want to) and it will be nice to have employment anti-discrimination laws regarding sexual orientation and gender identity in place. I'd like to live in a place where i can grow in an uninhibited manner.