i'm feeling jilted. dislocated.

i guess it makes sense, i did just relocate to the northwest. though, i'm having difficulty locating my sense of 'self' now.

how much of me was tied to the 'sense of place' i had built up in Atlanta? how much was tied to support networks that sustained me? my internal geography is reeling. everything new, few things familiar.

i was walking down Killingsworth Street in a North Portland sunset, thinking: 'why am i living-- really, what is it that i am living for?'

i am getting down. the reminders i give myself that 'life is in the discovery' and that 'life is found in subtle affirmations': those truths just aren't holding as strong as they did in my times of relative comfort.

desperately searching for work in a cruel sun-- the threat of homelessless lingers real. i applied for food stamps at the Department of Human Resources today. aiming to put judgment aside, i wonder, 'is this really my situation?' crying children, those with severe drug addictions and those with mental difficulties fill the lobby. all dependents, all on hard times, all in need.

have things really changed all that much from medieval times? i imagine my 1350 AD equivalent in muddy, sewage filled streets. class strata wide apart, class hierarchy all-powerful & all-encompassing; i feel like a serf among other serfs crawling up the sides of a well pit-- stepping on and clawing at others, using my cultural capital to survive.

the system creates this situation. i have little choice-- i must take part in it to 'make it'.

and so i move along.

toeing the line. well, some of many

a trim:

the other day, i decided to trim down my facebook connections (again). i got down to around 300, from the original 525. (for some reason though, the number does not stay at 300... it rather fluctuates like body weight). i trim down to have more intentional relationships and a more managable internet life. but whenever i trim down the number of people i have come to know/ meet, i find myself wanting to keep (and sometimes keeping) some connections that i both never talk to and are very different from me ideologically. (what i mean by that: we don't talk and they are very much a part of the heteronormative, christian, and conservative culture that is very white). even though i would rather not have people i have both lost touch with and disagree with as facebook connections, i find myself wanting them to be more exposed to people that are different from them. of which include, a person like me. i want them to see that my opinions exist. that i exist.

on exposure:

but with this certain culture (the christian, heteronormative, conservative culture that is very white) it's not a two way exposure street. i usually don't care for their viewpoints. i know, it sounds snobby, but bear with me. the reason that i often don't care for their viewpoints is because i feel as if i have encountered and lived many aspects of their realities thoroughly, having come from that background. but for them, i feel as if they likely haven't lived many of my experiences or come into contact with many aspects of my reality. so i am caught. caught between wanting to invite them in or shut them out. binary-thinking me wants to cut them out. and binary-thinking me often wins.

on certain internal questions:

i wonder about my friendships with people who are very much a part of the christian, heteronormative, conservative culture that is often very white; am i vicariously clingling to a part of myself through them? if i shut them out too, would i be running from who i was or from parts of myself, rather than coming to terms who i was/ parts of who i still am? where do i find value, growth, and fulfillment? is it here? is it there? how do i stay open and available to all walks of life? (even ones i find offensive?)

on pendulum swing:

now i find myself moving to a more homogenous location, with many other irreligious, leftist white folks. the move out west might be a move for self preservation and it might be what i need now. but i'm uncomfortable because i'm wondering: will i really grow among homogeneity? i can't be truly open if i am cold to an entire culture and those who take part in it. (the christian, conservative, heteronormative, culture that is very white). i feel as if i am increasingly moving to the fringe. it's like a bomb went off during my unraveling process after my childhood development. my body is still moving backward through the air (in a projectile fashion) from the force of the blast. i'm moving away from many things i had come to know and accept to be true in my very white, catholic, heteronormative, conservative upbringing. (and moving away for good reason, i feel).

on openness and vulnerability to those who who hurt you:

i don't know if i can be open and vulnerable with communities that have and continue to hinder my growth in the most direct and personal of ways. while i don't want to be reactionary and i don't want to hermit myself, i want relief. relief from the weight of remaining open to those who hurt me and repeatedly hurt me. i move about the world as if it is the world i want, but it isn't. i move about the world calling people out on their blatant racism, sexism, ethnocentrism, and homophobia eight days a week, and i try to to live a life that addresses those issues (among others). but i'm tired. i'm also discouraged. i am leaving the South and moving somewhere that is known for being more progressive (in ways) in order to possibly feel as if i am swimming against the current a little less.

is that wrong? i wonder if it is wrong. but it comes down to this: if i view myself as an agent of change, i must care for myself. especially if i am to continue moving through the world in this manner.